A triggered mind

He opened his hand, slowly unfolding the fingers from the gun. When seconds ago the shot had echoed, the shot that had literally blown his mind, he now sunk through his knees on the street that was still wet from the shower of a couple of hours ago. And as he collapsed, feeling all the life pouring out of his veins, he decided it had not been for nothing. He had succeeded, finally.

It was only a couple of months ago that he had come up with the plan. There was no other option, nothing else left to do. The only question was, where, when and how. But he figured that out soon enough. Nothing could stop him now. No one knew what he was up to, and that was what made it so exciting. For the first time there were no boundaries, no pre-set goals to achieve, no need to make diplomatic choices. For the first time he felt like he was alive.

As he watched his family sitting around the table day in day out for breakfast, lunch and dinner, he worked out his plan. Adjusting it with every gesture people would unintendedly give him. Only a look, a smile, a wave. It all made sense, and as he reasoned, there was no way one could escape the role faith had anointed him. This time it should and would come to an end.

Every night he withdrew himself in the study, to, as he told his wife, read his paper. He never answered her why it took him all night to do that. They simply would not understand how his heart seemed to be dying slowly in his chest. How these voices had overtaken his mind. How he could not reason clearly anymore. How he could not stop himself every time something seemed to trigger him and send him out like a bullet towards its victim. Since he had no clue himself, how would he be able to share it, even build words around his feelings. All these feelings that sometimes overwhelmed him and sometimes seemed to have disappeared forever.

He had hurt enough people by now. It was time to bring it to an end. But before he would do that, before he would help people to get rid of the problem, there were certain things to take care of. He spent days, weeks in his office, trying to find a solution. Trying to make sure he left them well. Two months later, that night, as he pulled the trigger, he felt an ease and calmness coming over him. It had not been for nothing. He had succeeded, finally.

Zorgen

Zorgen maken doet iedereen
Over gebreken, verliezen en personen
Mijmeren over oplossingen is het niet alleen
Alle mogelijk donkere situaties
Spoken door ieders hoofd
Om zich vervolgens zorgen te maken
Over de daardoor ontstane problemen
Oplossingen worden verzonnen
Waarin niemand ooit in zou hebben gelooft
Wanneer zorgen maken het dagelijkse brood wordt
Denk dan aan degene op wie je altijd op hebt gehoopt
Zorgen maken doet iedereen
Over gebreken, verliezen en personen
Hoop op Jehovah en je zult de zorgen herinneren
Als een periode waarin hij je liefde en kracht bood.

shadows

Vlinders
De zon schijnt in je ogen
En je knippert tegen het felle licht
Rimpelt je neus en lacht
Die kleine dingen
Geven me dat warme gevoel
Dat omhoog kruipt van
Mijn buik naar boven
Tot het in mijn keel
Een lachje vormt
Een glimlach die
Steeds breder wordend
Al mijn tanden bloot lacht

Gemis
Ver weg klinkt een stem,
Een schreeuw, verdrietig en somber
Emoties klinken er in weer
Eenzaamheid en gemis
Het duurt even en dan dringt het tot me door
Dat die kreet het huilen van mijn eigen hart is

Time
Time is precious and a treasure
All the time we still have left
To share, spend and measure
But not every day will pass
Giving you that same satisfaction
You know you would have had
When spent with someone special

Rimpels
Jaren geven geen rimpels
Nog doet de kou
Het is eigenlijk iets heel simpels
Ze komen van binnen
Zorgen
Spijt
En vermoeidheid
Rimpels die ouder maken
Komen van binnen naar buiten
Er is maar een ding aan te doen
Veel lachen en af en toe een zoen
Die rimpels gaan van buiten
Naar binnen
En een innerlijk zonnetje ontwaken doen

Treasure
Alongside the coast
I found something like
Like that what I love the most
Something only God could create
Alongside the coast
Never like ‘oh yes that too’
More than most
Alongside the coast I found you.

Thoughts of a Waitress
Dirty shoes, muddy pants, spotted shirts.
Loud, insane, delusional jokes.
Oh I wished I was so very very rich.
That I wouldn’t have to serve these blokes.

FairyTale

Princess Lauren and Little larry, by Merel Huijben

Once upon a time in a far far away country lived Princess Lauren. She had a perfect life in any way; she had everything she could wish for. She had servants who would come into her room every single morning to wake her. Feed her breakfast with golden spoons and forks. Do you want to know what she had for breakfast? Ice cream with chocolate sprinkles and pancakes!
After her attendants, who were by the way dressed in deep blue coats and black pants with matching shoes; had helped the princess in her favorite dress she would go and play with her toys. She had every single Barbie doll you can think of, plus the Barbie castle, the Barbie car, horse, prince, the bike; she even had a Barbie doll that was especially made for her, with her own face and her own beautiful sand colored hair.

When she did not want to play anymore she would go to the great hall, were the thrones were. She would sit in between her mom the queen and her dad the king on the double throne. Sometimes she would doze a bit, when she was bored by all the cases the king and queen had to discuss with the ministers. But they would always have lunch together, served on golden plates. Every single Friday the cook of the castle would make a delicious chocolate cheesecake, and our little princess made sure she never missed a single Friday-lunch, for she loved cheesecake way too much to miss it.
On Mondays and Tuesdays our little princess would be visited by her very nice grandmother. In the morning they played with the dolls, at noon they would drink tea and eat Chocolate from Belgium and paint pictures, and in the evening, which was Princess Lauren’s favorite time of the day, Grandmother would read her a story. Yes our little princess could not be happier than she already was.

But one day when she woke up she did not feel happy at all, she could not be pleased by the attendants in their beautiful deep blue coats, with their black pants and their matching shoes. She did not want the pancakes with ice cream sprinkled with chocolate sprinkles. She did not want to come out of bed; neither did she want to have her dolls to play with in bed. She did not want to see her grandmother either, she even did not want to eat her most favorite thing in the world from a golden plate, the chocolate cheesecake their cook could make so well.
Of course the king and queen were very upset, first the king tried to be strict, he raised his voice and told her to come out of bed before he would lose his temper. She did not move, neither did her father lose his temper.
Five days passed by, but our little princess refused to come out of bed, nothing could make her smile. She just kept saying no to everything that men would offer her. It was like she was done playing, eating sweets. Done painting, and done being read to by her grandmother.
After trying to make their little princess happy for five long days, the king and queen inclusive the entire staff that was serving in the Palace ran out of ideas. Even the doctors did not know what to do about his unhappy, stubborn little girl, sitting in her bed all day with her hair mixed up like a little scarecrow, crossed arms and a deep frown on her forehead.
The king was desperate and organized a meeting with his ministers; they sent out knights to all counties of the country to find clowns, storytellers, anyone who would be able to cheer up little princess Lauren.
This continued several weeks. They had every famous clown come in to make their daughter laugh, and though the clowns made the king and queen laugh so hard that it made their belly hurt, little Lauren not even smiled.
After they had have every single clown come in, and every storyteller they gave up. They just did not know what to do anymore! Doctors had tried to find out what was wrong with little Lauren, Clowns had tried to make her laugh, story tellers had tried to make her smile with their funny and exciting stories. But none of them succeeded.

One day a knight who had never returned from his journey to the grey mountains long long long before little Lauren was born returned to the city. And along with him came his wife and their three little frolicsome sons named Berry, Matty and Larry.
Now Larry was, although he could be very sweet, a very naughty boy.
He was always trying to pull tricks on everybody and he often succeeded. One time he had painted the neighbor’s pigs in every single color you can imagine. The neighbor who had planned on going to the market and sell his pigs could not believe his eyes when he opened the door that morning and saw blue, green, yellow, red and rainbow-colored pigs.
The night that the big knight came back with his family, the king and queen invited him and his family for dinner. And there they sat at the long table, on the pretty royal chairs, eating from golden plates, using golden forks, knifes and spoons, drinking out of golden cups. It got late, since the knight and the royal couple had to catch up. And without them noticing, little Larry jumped from his royal chair and started to wander around the room looking at all the huge paintings of former rulers with big moustaches and austere faces.
Once he had seen all the paintings he saw that the door of the great dining hall was not fully closed. Before his parents could have noticed he had pushed open the large doors and stood in the hallway.
Now on both sides of the hall way were several doors, every door had a sign on it that told what the room was for. Little Larry decided it was time to discover the palace. And while he was still thinking that, he saw a long staircase that seemed to have no end.
Curious as he was he started to climb the stairs, he tried to count them but he could not keep track.
When he finally had reached the end of the staircase he saw he had entered another hall with an uncountable number of doors. At the end of the hallway little Larry saw two doors, as high as the doors of the great dining hall. But these doors were not only made out of gold, they were particularly girlish, with pink ribbons nailed on the door. These doors were not fully closed either, and a soft light shone through the door opening.

The closer Little Larry came to the door the more curious he got. He wanted to know what was behind that door, it did not matter if his parents did not approve. He pushed open one of the large doors and saw something he had not expected.
He stood in a large room filled with every toy you could think of. On the wall were very nice pictures like the pictures you often see in a fairytale book, and in the middle of this all was a big bed with ice blue curtains printed with pink roses. In that big bed, with all the pillows sat a little girl. She must have had seen him but she refused to turn her head and look at him. The little boy shrugged his shoulders and started to wander around the room. He picked up dolls, played with the Barbie car for some time, climbed the little ladder to the book shelves and chose the thickest most colorful book he saw. He turned the pages real quickly until he had found his favorite story, which was about a little orphan that had to fight a purple dragon. He started to read: ‘Once upon a time there was a little boy, the boy did not have papents..pa…pa..pahents’. ‘It is parents, not papents you dummy!’ the little princess said. Surprised she said something little Larry turned around and took the book to the bed. Now little Larry had just learned how to read and was quite offended by this bossy little girl correcting him. ‘If you know so well why do you not read the story then?’ He said.
‘Fine’ she said, and started to read the story to him. Little Larry made himself comfortable between the pillows and two soft teddybears. He closed his eyes and imagined he was the little boy in the story, fighting the purple dragon with a huge blinking sword.
In the meantime the Knight and his wife had noticed Little Larry was missing, first they thought he had gone to the restroom but when he did not return after a couple of minutes they decided to go and look for him.

Since they knew how curious little Larry was they checked every single room in the long hallway downstairs. They sought for over an hour, but still could not find their youngest son. It had turned dark already and the hallways were lid with candles in huge golden and crystal chandeliers. Both the royal family and the knight’s family were now looking for Little Larry, whom they still had not found. After they had checked every single room, all the hallways, the big and the small hall, and even the kitchen and the bakery, since little Larry was very fond of sweets; they gave up. ‘I do not know where to look anymore; we have checked every single room in this palace. Where could he be?’ the knights’ wife said.
She softly started to sob on her husbands shoulder. There they sat in the big living room, all staring in front of them, wondering where little Larry could have disappeared to.
‘I have got it!’ the queen said, ‘follow me!’ she rushed out of the room. She walked very fast, her shoes making a clicking sound on the tiles in the big hallway. When they had reached the end of the hall she started to climb the long and high staircase.
This was the longest staircase the knight’s family had ever climbed. They could not keep track of the number of steps the staircases counted and when they had finally reached the end of the staircase, they saw they had entered another hall with an uncountable number of doors. At the end of the hallway were two doors, as high as the doors of the great dining hall. The doors were made out of gold and were particularly girlish with the pink ribbons that were nailed on the door – the Princess’s room.

From the room they heard a little high voice telling a story. When they came closer they could hear the little voice was that of little Princess Lauren who was reading a storybook.
When they carefully opened the door a little bit further they saw the two little children sitting on the bed. Little Larry had made himself comfortable between the pillows and two big teddybears; he had folded his knees in from of him and stared to the princess who was reading the story to him, once in a while he would produce a little grin or giggle when something funny happened to the boy in the story.
As little Princess Lauren continued on reading; the king, queen, the knight, the knight’s wife and their two oldest sons, Berry and Matty, watched their two little children.
The king and queen were astonished; it had been so long since they had heard their daughter’s voice without being annoyed or sad!

‘And they lived happily ever after’ – Princess Lauren concluded the story. Slowly she turned her head to the door where her parents, with tears in their eyes, and Larry’s family were standing. ‘Mom, Dad, have you been acquainted to this little boy?’ She said. ‘He can not read very well and I wish to see him every other day so that I can teach him how.’ Of course the king and Queen were more than happy to have little Larry visiting their daughter, if that made her happy.
Once upon a time in a far far away country lived Princess Lauren. She had a perfect life in any way; she had everything she could wish for. She had servants who would every single morning come into her room and wake her. Feed her breakfast with golden spoons and forks. Do you want to know what she had for breakfast? Ice cream with chocolate sprinkles and pancakes! But among all that stuff she had something that was way more important to her; she now had a friend whom she could play with.

Every single Friday the cook of the castle would make a delicious chocolate cheesecake, and our little princess made sure she would never miss a single Friday-lunch, for she loved cheesecake way too much to miss it. She actually loved it more than ever, now she had a friend to share it with!
On Mondays our little princess would be visited by her very nice grandmother. In the morning they played with the dolls, at noon they would drink tea and eat Chocolate from Belgium and paint pictures, and in the evening, which was Princess Lauren’s favorite time of the day, Grandmother would read her a story. On Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays the knight’s son Larry would come and visit with Lauren. They would read together, play in the garden, ride the royal horses, and eat lots of that delicious Chocolate Cheesecake their cook could make so well. Yes our little princess could not be happier than she already was, and she definitely lived happily ever after.

Murderless Mystery

Pompons and Bagels - by merel huijben

Laura
I had never liked cheerleaders, with their little dances and gangs gossiping through the school corridors. And even though my mom and sister used to be cheerleaders and leading Delta’s in their days, I never came to appreciate the art of stretching and singing to cheer both public and players.

I never sought their company at school although they tried to get me with their little gang, knowing about my mothers and sisters past. By the second semester of freshmen year, theyhad invited me for countless dinner parties, dances, slumber parties and of course - football games. I only attended one party to please my mother, but left after only five minutes when I discovered they planned on setting me up with the school mascot. A skinny red haired boy named Timmy with a face so full of freckles that it was like he had blown in the mud. After that they gave up on me and finally left me alone.

After I had had some of my grandmothers famous blueberry muffins for breakfast that she had send us the other day, I took my Labrador Teddy for a walk. I always enjoyed taking him out early in the morning and walk around in our neighborhood when it was still quiet.Last night it had been far from quiet. The Mayor’s daughter, a true devoted cheerleader andsoon to be Delta new, had been having a slumber party with her girlfriends. Giggling and girly music had filled the streets and finally stopped after several neighbors had made their complains.

While crossing the street towards the Johnson’s house, I heard the sharp ringing sound of glass breaking followed by a knifelike scream coming from Mayor Dobbins’s backyard. Running through the rose bushes - Mrs. Dobbins took care of as if of her own baby - I scratched my bare legs on thorns, leaving big red bleeding marks. I could not help noticing a motorbike hastily leaving Moog Avenue which lays behind the Dobbins’ backyard. Though Baldwin County had not had a decent shower for at least three months, the air was humid and the grass seemed to exhale the dew that had fallen a couple of hours before.

The sunlight made the pieces of scattered glass that had found their way in the recently mowed grass, sparkle like diamonds. They encircled the twisted left leg and the right - bend in a unusual position. They covered the wide spread arms. And mingled with the bleached strings of hair.

Narrator
̃Pretty soon the police would come and identify the victim as Chelsea Dobbins, daughter of mayor Dobbins, grey eyes, blonde hair, 5 foot 4. A doctor would arrive some minutes later and fill in the forms concluding that the young woman had died. Cause of death? Severe spinal cord injuries.

The fact that the Bay Minette Police Department normally did not have more work than writing bills for speeding, did not mean that they did not have a policy for such situations. Unfortunately it also did not automatically mean that everything was handled accordingly, nor handled in the perfect order.

Mel
The scene should have been marked with yellow tape to keep any curious neighbors out who were bound to ‘stop by’, demand information or even claim to know what happened; but most importantly, to feed their gossiping tongues. Detective Inspector Mel Hallis sighted. Since the yellow line had not been drawn, the scene was soon no longer useful to the detectives and was now everything dependable on stories of what might had happened.

Laura
The girls, still wearing their pink pajamas’ and furry slippers, who had been sleeping at the time Chelsea died, were all brought to the police office to be questioned. A couple of hours later I saw Chelsea’s parents, both devastated by the loss of their only child, driving off to the Police Department themselves. Their grey faces and hollow eyes barely noticeable through the windshield of their dark blue Cadillac.

I could not focus on my college application essay that afternoon. The police did not ask me many questions after they had arrived at the scene, neither did I presume to tell them what I had seen. What I had seen was probably of no importance, it was just another cheerleader who had gotten into trouble, and sadly, died. They would find out sooner or later what had happened. It was what cheerleaders did, somehow they seemed to all end up in trouble to be saved by their rich daddies. But the image of the figure racing off on his motorbike somehow was permanently imprinted in my memory.

A knock on the door wakened me from my ponderings. My mom entered my room. She was as dressed up as always, her dyed blonde curls put back in her neck, sealed by a single pearl necklace. Her make up as natural as possible, to, as she used to say “show off the features life had given her.” “There are two gentlemen to see you Laura” she said, while putting back a lock of her hair that had come loose.

Mel
All the way down to the Police Department he had felt like he had forgotten something. But he could not think of what; he could not even hear himself think because of the sobbing and wailing of the four girls in the backseat of the van. He wondered if the one responsible for the girls’ dead had gotten sick of it too, was that why she died? It was only after he had sent four of his female colleagues to question the girls and read his notes of that morning that he remembered the girl who had made the phone call.

How could he have forgotten about the prime witness? Though the scene nor the witness statements were not as helpful as they should have been, every little detail seemed to indicate that Chelsea’s dead was no accident. Someone must have had pushed her. According to the forensic expert who examined the girl’s body there were no bruises indicating a fight or struggle. Even though bruises had not occurred on Chelsea’s back there had been nail polish on the back of her boyfriend’s football shirt she was wearing. On the stairs had been the remaining of a platter with bagels and fresh coffee. The victim obviously had been wanting to surprise her girlfriends with breakfast in bed. “She must have been pushed by someone”, he thought. But since she did not seem to have any enemies, he had no idea where to look for probable suspects.

He had only briefly talked to the girl who had called the police and did not remember her face. And as he entered the Jannice’s house he expected another copy of the sobbing and wailing girls he had had in his van that morning. But the girl in stonewashed jeans and a green colored hoodie calmly walking down the stairs, did not fit his expectations. He wondered whether she could help them, since there was too little information found on the scene nor were the statements of the girls and parents of any help.

Narrator
Laura never liked wearing tight tops, showing off her features. She never cared much for clothes and only required one thing of them, they ought to be comfy and the right color. Normally she wore her dark blonde shoulder length hair in a ponytail. She did not have bangs; she liked her eyebrows and had no intention to hide them. She thought eyebrows made the expression, complimented the eyes and therefore were way too important to conceal.

Laura
I sat down at the kitchen table while my mom offered the two police officers coffee and tea, showing off her perfectly manicured nails, this time covered with a sparkling old pink color. Inspector Hallis did not like introducing his questions with chitchat about the weather, and immediately came to business. “Miss Laura” he started. “You heard the girl’s scream and then found her body, you have told my colleague about this matter.”

I carefully looked to my left. Inspector Morris obviously seemed to be very young still. Inspector Hallis, whose dark brown hair slightly started to fade to grey, on the other hand appeared to be much more experienced. I felt comfortable enough and decided to tell him that while police was investigating the scene I had walked to the other side of the backyard and jumped over the fifty inch high hedge, to see whether I could discover any traces made by the motorbike I had seen driving off.

He wanted to know everything I knew about the girl who I went to school with and had been living in the same street for years. There had to be something I knew that would be helpful to the investigation. So I told him everything I knew, once in a while my mom would add something; in my opinion deliberately touching Inspector Hallis’s shoulder every time she spoke. I told him about kindergarten, how we always had been totally different and never got along. But that somehow our lives had always touched each other. I wondered about one thing though, I did not know what to do, and as the conversation suddenly stopped my anxiety grew.

Mel
Laura seemed to tremble, her brown eyes narrowed and she started twiddling her hands. Inspector Hallis wondered if there was something she was keeping from him. Even thoughthe information she had given him helped him to form a clearer view on the Dobbins’s girl.Then all of a sudden – and finally in Inspector Hallis’s opinion – young inspector Morris opened his mouth. “Laura, are you sure you have told us everything?”.

Laura looked like she was about to rise and leave the room, but only for a moment, then she sighted and seemed to relax. “Actually there is something I have not told you yet, I do not know if it is of any use to tell you and I certainly do not want to bring those girls nor Paul into any trouble.” Inspector Morris kept quiet en so did his older companion. “Come on Laura, you can tell these two gentlemen everything you know. They will not lock up any harmless children, will you Detective Inspector Hallis?” Though Inspector Hallis had been terribly annoyed by Mrs. Jannice’s behavior ever since they had entered the house, he now actually was glad she interfered. ̃

Laura
“I do not know if any of Chelsea’s friends have told you this. Chelsea has a boyfriend, Paul Bryant. He is the quarterback in the school’s football team. He and Chelsea have been dating about four months now.” I saw Inspector Morris raise his eyebrow but I continued. “I know because I often sit in my window sill, and have seen him bringing Chelsea home. He drives a black Yamaha motorbike, with red stripes on the sides. But the last couple of weeks the rumor has been going that he was cheating on her with one of her best friends, Daisy. I do not know if it is true, but the last time I saw Chelsea and Paul together they were fighting at her father’s doorstep.”

Inspector Hallis insisted on seeing the place where I had seen the figure on the motorbike leave. As we walked towards the Mayor Dobbins’ mansion over the pavement that was now warm and dry because of the blistering sun, I saw something moving in the bushes. I did not think the men saw it. When we got closer I recognized the figure that seemed to be carrying a little black package. The moment I opened my mouth, Inspector Morris saw it too and called out to make the person – whoever it was – stop.

Paul
How could he have been so blockheaded to just drive off like that? At least nobody had seen him driving off; except for Daisy no one knew he had dropped by that morning. And she would never tell, he had made her promise not to. The security camera must have had recorded everything, if the police would find out they would definitely suspect him and come for him. Only the thought of asking his dad for help from the inside of a cell in the police department made him sweat even more than he already did. Not to think of losing his position in the football team. He had worked so hard to get there. He had to get that videotape. It was a good thing he had helped Mr. Dobbins to install the camera’s after that burglary, the only thing he had to do was to sneak in and get the tape..

The tape was still there, no one had thought of removing it. The police probably had not thought of checking the security camera’s. He let a sigh of relief, there was nothing to be panicky about.
As he closed the backdoor - the one he had helped Mr. Dobbins with painting firefighter red - behind him and walked across the grass carpet in the backyard he heard a man call out to him, demanding him to stop. His heart started to beat twice as fast as he stood still and turned around. The two man both wearing white shirts and black trousers where definitely police officers. He saw Laura was with them and started to run. “She must have told them everything,” he thought. He jumped over the hedge where he had parked his motorbike, just like that morning, and drove off almost bumping into a parked car on the right side of Moog avenue. It was only when he was driving on Jaycee Road, that he realized that he had lost the tape..

Laura
The figure walking across the grass carpet in Dobbins’s backyard stopped and slowly turned around. I recognized the dark curly hair that laid on his forehead. The muscles in his arms tightened and stretched the red T-shirt he was wearing. Paul turned around and started running; both Inspectors followed. It was obvious that Inspector Hallis was too old for chasing young criminals; he slowed his speed before he had crossed the backyard. Inspector Morris came back holding something in his hand. It was the little black package Paul had been carrying when they saw him coming out of the Dobbins’s house. ̃

Mel
Detective Inspector Mel Harris cramped his fingers around the worn off steering wheel of his van. He could not wait until they got back at the police station and watch the security tape of the Dobbins’s house. And he could tell from the sniffing of his younger colleague – who was constantly turning and moving in his seat – that he was also eager to see what was on the tape. He wondered whether he had done the right thing by not bringing Laura along, she had been of great help to their investigation.

He looked at Morris’s white astonished face, and pushed the rewind button of his old video recorder. His secretary had been wanting to replace it with one of those new high-tech recorders. But somehow he was attached to it, as he was to the rest of his office with its old musty containing. Together they looked again to the couple making out on the porch on theleft side of the house.

And again the image switched to another camera that had been recording at the same time. A girl with bleached blonde hair in a football T-shirt climbed the stairs; in her hands a platter with filled coffee cups and bagels. She wobbled and the platter almost slipped out of her perfectly manicured hands. Then when she had almost reached the landing, she slipped out of her slipper and got out of balance; stretching out her hands to break her fall. Seconds later all the image contained was the broken window, its sharp shards shimmering in the sunlight.

~