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A triggered mind

He opened his hand, slowly unfolding the fingers from the gun. When seconds ago the shot had echoed, the shot that had literally blown his mind, he now sunk through his knees on the street that was still wet from the shower of a couple of hours ago. And as he collapsed, feeling all the life pouring out of his veins, he decided it had not been for nothing. He had succeeded, finally.

It was only a couple of months ago that he had come up with the plan. There was no other option, nothing else left to do. The only question was, where, when and how. But he figured that out soon enough. Nothing could stop him now. No one knew what he was up to, and that was what made it so exciting. For the first time there were no boundaries, no pre-set goals to achieve, no need to make diplomatic choices. For the first time he felt like he was alive.

As he watched his family sitting around the table day in day out for breakfast, lunch and dinner, he worked out his plan. Adjusting it with every gesture people would unintendedly give him. Only a look, a smile, a wave. It all made sense, and as he reasoned, there was no way one could escape the role faith had anointed him. This time it should and would come to an end.

Every night he withdrew himself in the study, to, as he told his wife, read his paper. He never answered her why it took him all night to do that. They simply would not understand how his heart seemed to be dying slowly in his chest. How these voices had overtaken his mind. How he could not reason clearly anymore. How he could not stop himself every time something seemed to trigger him and send him out like a bullet towards its victim. Since he had no clue himself, how would he be able to share it, even build words around his feelings. All these feelings that sometimes overwhelmed him and sometimes seemed to have disappeared forever.

He had hurt enough people by now. It was time to bring it to an end. But before he would do that, before he would help people to get rid of the problem, there were certain things to take care of. He spent days, weeks in his office, trying to find a solution. Trying to make sure he left them well. Two months later, that night, as he pulled the trigger, he felt an ease and calmness coming over him. It had not been for nothing. He had succeeded, finally.

Zorgen

Zorgen maken doet iedereen
Over gebreken, verliezen en personen
Mijmeren over oplossingen is het niet alleen
Alle mogelijk donkere situaties
Spoken door ieders hoofd
Om zich vervolgens zorgen te maken
Over de daardoor ontstane problemen
Oplossingen worden verzonnen
Waarin niemand ooit in zou hebben gelooft
Wanneer zorgen maken het dagelijkse brood wordt
Denk dan aan degene op wie je altijd op hebt gehoopt
Zorgen maken doet iedereen
Over gebreken, verliezen en personen
Hoop op Jehovah en je zult de zorgen herinneren
Als een periode waarin hij je liefde en kracht bood.

shadows